I have been unsure about whether or not I wanted to write this blog post. But if it at least helps one person – that’s worth it. I also feel like i’m at a point in my life when I can.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a few years now. I won’t say what caused it, because I don’t feel like that matters anymore. I think the main part of that is because my life is moving on and part of my recovery is to release it from my mind.
A couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to get counselling via the NHS. I truly believe that seeing Keith saved my life. I still stay in touch with an email from time to time with life updates.
He saved me, I was completely lost. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel worthy of love or life. I felt that waking up daily was such hard work and such a disappointment. I felt like I was invisible and irrelevant. I couldn’t open up to anyone. My only way of communication was either silence or anger. I didn’t mean any of my anger, I was just numb and frustrated at the same time. I was stuck in a reality in which I couldn’t cope. I hadn’t laughed for such a long time. All I saw was thick, dark fog hanging over me & suffocating. Even a sunny day was the darkest. I wanted to die.
Can you believe another human made me feel this way?
I had been quite a bubbly, fun girl before that. My mum would call me “spitfire”. Petite. but a bit of a bite to her. Within two years, I wasn’t even a little bit of that person.
I remember the day, the day I made a choice whether to live of die.
I was ready to be free.
I had a text from a friend of mine. All it said was “thinking of you spitfire”. Thinking of me? I was invisible, wasn’t I? But I wanted to be left alone. My mind was made up.
I had prepared what I wanted to do with my “situation”. I was alone in the house. It was time. I wasn’t sad. I was calm. I didn’t cry. I was about to be free. My phone went off again, it was my same friend, “come over for a cuppa, we don’t have to speak, just have a cuppa”. It became clear that he wasn’t giving up – even though I hadn’t replied. Then a different friend text to say “hope you’re okay”. People still cared?
Maybe I wasn’t invisible. Maybe it wasn’t my time? Then a tear fell. I felt sad. I felt an emotion. It felt as though my heart was beating after being “dead” for so long. I got in my car and drove to the tattoo studio where my friend was working.
I walked in and he seemed genuinely happy to see me. A relief i think? I broke down in his arms. I finally said “Help me please. Help me. I’m not ready to give up yet”.
He encouraged me to speak to my parents and they helped me with going to the doctors and going forward with that help.
I didn’t have the most helpful appointment with the doctors. I explained everything, when i finished talking he laughed and said “well counselling won’t help”. I was distraught. It took so much for me to pull myself out of bed. To get myself to the doctors and to speak. We wrote a letter of complaint and i saw a different doctor. She was incredible. She supported me and to this day, I only ever see her now.
She gave me some antidepressants and arranged meetings with Keith.
I had researched antidepressants and I had no worries at all. Nothing could be worse than how I was feeling.
It took a few weeks before I noticed them working. But I felt like my highs and lows weren’t extreme anymore. I was more mellow, but still numb.
It took a while to be able to get into meeting with Keith. I was so scared the first time I met him. He told me to “start from the beginning”. I didn’t know how. So instead I spoke about things I used to like. My favourite film, food, song. And we went from there.
After about my fourth session. My dad and I were chatting one day and he said something funny. I laughed, I laughed so hard. One of those belly ache ones. I didn’t stop. He laughed, and then we cried. He hadn’t seen me laugh in such a long time. It was a beautiful moment. I felt alive.
I don’t want to speak about my conversations in the meetings. I’m sure you can appreciate that.
I was allocated 12 sessions, I was convinced it wasn’t going to be enough. By our 10th session, it was time for me to depart from the safety of Keith’s wing. I was so upset. He was the only person who knew everything about me. But he assured me that I am relevant, I’m not invisible, I am worthy of true love, and I am worthy of life itself.
Four months later, I was off my medication and I met my boyfriend. I still wasn’t the old me, but I was a hell of a lot better than I was.
I’m not sure how early on I told him about my anxiety and depression. I know it was in drips and drabs. I think it’s only been the past year I have explained great details about my past to him, the only other person was Keith.
It took me a long time to trust him. Not because of anything he had done. But because he is male.
If you’re reading this & struggling, please know that in time, your heart, your mind and your beautiful soul will heal. You don’t need a boyfriend or a partner for that. But my boyfriend came into my life at that particular time.
He’s the kindest, most gentle and the most understanding partner I could have wanted. He’s the guy I have always wished, hoped and prayed for. We’ve been together for over two years now. I feel like he’s been in my life forever. He brings so much happiness and light to my life.
I still have “wobbles” though.
My depression makes me want to hide under the duvet.
My anxiety makes me angry and frustrated. I don’t mean anything I say but it comes out in a panic anyway. He know’s I don’t mean any of it. We have found ways to deal with it.
He took the time to understand my “triggers”.
If you are the partner of the person who is struggling, then I ask you to research. There’s lots of websites that will help you help them. But importantly, be patient. They don’t mean it and they can’t help it. Recovery is a slow process.
I feel like even day by day i’m a whole new person. Even compared to this time last month, I’m a lot more confident and happy.
I feel secure in my mind, in my relationship and my life.
I have never felt so in love, not just in a relationship, but myself.
It’s key to love yourself. To believe in yourself. To know you’re worth it.
For the first time in a decade, I see my life in colour. My heart feels like it’s going to burst with happiness daily. I feel like future plans aren’t something which are going to get cancelled, but they are instead something to look forward too.
I feel like I have found someone who makes me a better person, who makes me love myself when at times, i couldn’t.
I’m not 100%. But I feel like i’m 90% there.
I nearly missed meeting my best friend, my love and my rock.
My life is worth living & so is yours.